Struggles Revealed

She clasped her hands together, silent worries trying to become prayers, tears rolled down her face...her mind thought "I started way too soon, what am I going to do? Who will help me through? Time is running out for me to decide! Must I run & hide? Can I hold out again? Maybe I should give in & call my friend!" As she sat, though uncertain, she wrote a few things down & noticed that she began to feel better. People walking in the park where the air is brisk, the sky is bluish gray, her laptop on her lap & journal in hand along with her favorite writing pen. "God, I think I need to trust you more. All of this worrying has me looking tired, feeling drained & I have no energy to do the things You've called me to do! Nor the things I love to do! Why does it turn out wrong when you give me "guy" assignments? Why do they always fall head over heels in love with me? Life seems so complicated! I tell them we are just friends, we share Your word, we pray, we confide in one another & then BAM! Is it the love bug or the lust demon? I feel like I am more than one person inside! There is the part of me who is confident in the gifts You've placed in me, there's the me who is afraid to step out there & BE, there is the me who could care less about what people think & then there is the me who wants to be accepted, admired & loved. I know what You've called me to, there is not just one thing, there are many assignments. This one is the most challenging!"
She slips into third person character whenever she is nervous!
"Can she be real Lord & just talk to you openly? You're the only one who can judge her, but You don't & she is so thankful for that! She feels plain, yet sensual. She KNOWS the damage she can do so she chooses to stay inside. She has times when she wants to pounce & control, then other times when she is well balanced & in tune with You. She'd like to know if she needs to separate the two? Is that even possible? When she comes out to play, it can be very dangerous, but fun! She...I mean, I am tired of being all over the place! Calm my heart, still my racing mind, I can't afford to be all over the place Lord! There is too much at stake!" She wrote desperately.
She sat until dusk, cold, but wrapped up in her favorite sweater, scarf & mittens with the fold back flap exposing her cut gloves & finger tips. Hungry, but more thirsty for the things God has in store for her! So she continues to write. She chases Him all the more! She feels more comfortable, so she attempts to drop writing in third person.
"Maybe if I had more consistent friends or new friends or no friends all together...maybe it's not them at all, maybe it's me? Let me do the best examination & perform a self examination! NO! I've already picked out everything that could be wrong with me!" POINT OUT THE GOOD! "Huh? Who said that?" Looking around she realized no one was around her, yet she heard it clear as day & decided to give it a try. "Removing my compact to see who is looking back at me so I can tell her what I see. Girl, look at those worry lines in your forehead & you could stand for an eyebrow waxing! Lubricate those lips honey, they are too full not to be looking luscious! And that hair, do something with it!" POINT OUT THE GOOD! "Huh? WHO'S THERE...UM, HERE?" She quickly slammed the mirror shut! Opening the mirror slowly, she glanced inside, then stared blankly as her eyes filled with tears.
"I see me, the slant of of my eyes chosen by God to see me the way He created me to be! My tears turn from sorrow to bliss, all because God took time to show me this! Not looking with natural eyes only, but spiritual ones too, looking inside of me...I SEE YOU! I see a heart that loves hard, eyes that see deeply, a mind that is smart! I see a smile that is huge & a laugh that comes from the gut! I see joy where pain used to live, so obvious, I can see it with my eyes opened shut! So much attention & many compliments to devour, but the date goes sour before the final hour. Guilt, condemnation then the repentance follows conviction. Now we barely even speak & when we do there is friction! What is inside of me that draws this type of attention? I feel like a temtpress like the Bible mentions. How can I expect him to respect me enough to wait if I place myself out there, open, on a silver plate? Is it a sin to be a hot mama? No, just don't destroy the witness with that premarital sex drama! I can't help it! I'm mushy & a hopeful romantic, marriage is a ministry that makes me all frantic! The opposite sex attracts, I know this for a fact! But, I choose to wait by holding on to celibacy, LORD HELP ME to be smudge free, no more fingerprints all over me! Not saying it's easy to wait, but I have to hold on to my faith! Can self love be justified by saying at least I didn't involve him this time? NO, but I tried. The enemy lied! The one who comes to steal, kill & destroy...that grim reaper, BUT THANK YOU JESUS, I'VE FOUND YOU TO BE MY KEEPER! I CAN be sexy without acting sex-u-al, I desire LOVE not lust, that's my golden rule! God made me this way for a reason & I WILL ENJOY IT, TO THE FULL, IN MY DUE SEASON! Until then, my sensuality is on hold for my king, he'll find me doing God's will & then present me with a ring. I'm more than just a coochie, I'M WORTH WAITING FOR, I finally, for myself know this is TRUE! When he asks me, with a smile, I'll gladly say I DO!
I like you...the ME I SEE, I love looking into the me that God has created me to be! Free 2 be ME & like what I see! Now that's an awesome testimony! The girl in the mirror, where it all begins, the girl in the mirror is also where it ends!"

How do you see yourself? JUST BE REAL!!!


 
Have you told someone that you love & appreciate them? Always remember that THANK YOU makes room for more!